A goodbye letter to my baby

January 25, 2012

My Sweet Baby,

From the second I saw the positive on the pregnancy test I couldn't wait to meet you.

You were a part of me and though I couldn't feel it I knew you were growing inside me. I was looking forward to feeling you kick and move within me.  I imagined your birth and caring for you.  I so wanted to hold you in my arms and hear the sweet sound of your first cry.  I tried to take good care of you.  I couldn't wait to buy you adorable shirts and shoes, I was even looking forward to the feeling of labor pains because it would mean you were on your way to me.

Our time together, however, was cut short.  Even though I never met you while you were alive I loved you then, and love you still, more than I've loved anything in my entire life.  Your dad and I wanted you more than anything in this world!  The day I found out I was pregnant was the happiest of my life, and yesterday when I lost you was by far the saddest.

For whatever reason your little body couldn't grow anymore.  I don't blame myself or your dad.  Today I can't stop picturing your little hands and feet with their own little fingers and toes.  You had little ears so you could hear the lullabies I would have sung to you.  You had little eyes to see all the kisses I would blow you and all the smiles you would bring to my face.  You had a little mouth so that you could smile back at me.  Oh, how I wanted to hold those hands, and kiss those feet, and see that smile, and sing those lullabies.

Even though you are no longer with us, there won't be a day that passes that we won't think of you.  I am so happy that I got to hold you in my hand.  You were a part of me and now that you're gone I feel empty.  I wish I could have kept you.  I wish you had had the chance to grow and play and live.  I want you back!  I want you back so badly it hurts.  The pain of losing you was the worst I have ever felt.  I love you so much!!!

All I can do is cry. I miss you my sweet baby.  It may have just been 9 weeks, not even that, you were with me for just 7 weeks, but I will always be your mommy.  I will never forget you or accept the fact that I lost you.

I will always feel the pain of your loss, but you also gave me hope.  I now have hope that I will be able to make a brother or sister for you to look after.  They will know about you.  They will know that they had a sibling that wasn't quite strong enough to live, but that you are and always will be our family.  You will always be my sweet, sweet baby.

I love you more than words can say!

Even as small as you were, Gracie and Denver could sense that you were in me  Gracie didn't want to sit anywhere if it wasn't near me.  She wanted to protect you.  I know they would have loved you and protected you.  

Goodbye my darling child.

My Sweet Baby
01-24-2012
9 weeks 2 days